Everything fell into place in December, just in time for Christmas. I called it my Christmas Miracle. And it was.
I’ve started my long vacation away from my family by starting a strict “No Contact” policy with them and I haven’t broke that. My cell phone is my own once again and I haven’t allowed my number to be given out without my permission.
I’m slowly realizing how deeply the family atmosphere has become ingrained. I’ve come to expect railing, screaming, scapegoating, and assigned or predetermined blame. I’ve come to expect to be kicked out, removed, and omitted due to my mistakes.
Nothing in my life has prepared me for calm and level-headed thinking when things go wrong. I don’t expect calm, rational “Let’s get this fixed now before it gets worse” responses. The level of calm is almost alarming and definitively disturbing.
A few days after we got here, Echo jumped up onto the mantle above the fireplace and broke Matt’s beer stein from Germany… he just calmly said “I’ll enjoy going back to get another one.” He’s just calm. My heart is hammering in my chest. And he’s just calm. It was an accident and it’s done and over with. He just got a box and took down the rest of his German steins to prevent it from happening again.
Nothing in my life has prepared me for… I guess the way real people respond to problems. I’ve been having nightmares where Matt to kicks us out or we’re homeless or back in Michigan. I wake up each morning feeling like I’ve run a marathon. My back aches, my shoulders stiff.
I just don’t know how to deal with calm people! Sounds crazy, but… I don’t. And despite longing for calm for so many years, I’m really not sure how to handle it. Calm and level-headed responses only occur in the MMOGs that I play, not in my real life!
Tags: stress