Posts Tagged ‘Drama’

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Domain back

Monday, January 15th, 2007

Well, Lunaescence.com is back… and I couldn’t be more depressed. And I’m not sure why. Sure, I’ve been depressed the whole time it’s been down, but now I’m even more depressed.

It may just be the realization that the progress my site had made was brought to a crashing halt. It may also be the knowledge that now I don’t have time to do any of the things I wanted to do with my site. The final semester has started and I now have to buckle down and find that internship and finish up these last things before graduation.

I don’t know.

I’m mad because the site could have been up yesterday (Saturday), but I didn’t feel like walking down to get the mail. Heck, I didn’t even want to leave the house.

Which brings me to a rant: What is it with us and bad neighbors??

*sigh* Friday, we believe our neighbors deliberately turned both their pair of mastiffs loose. They’ve come right out and admitted that Judge, the big male, is vicious. He’s bitten someone twice now, attempted to bite our neighbor once. I spent much of Friday hiding in the house while animal control attempted to capture Judge.

That damned thing actually charged the animal control truck and wouldn’t let them officer get out. The officer eventually managed to coax the little female mastiff (which shockingly seems to be nice and even-tempered) to jump into the cab of the truck on her own, but then proceeded to sit there until backup arrived.

They finally managed to capture Judge and carted him away to the pound.

Anyway, the reason we think they did it on purpose is because the husband (or whatever he is) turned out to actually be home. The little female was loose first, but we didn’t know if she was vicious like Judge, so we stayed inside. I looked outside at one point and watched the guy walk right past the dog, get into his truck, and speed away. Less than 10 minutes later, I look back out and see Judge.

Oh. No.

I’m not scared of big dogs, but I’m scared to death of Judge. I really hate to say it because I love animals, but I hope he’s put down before he seriously hurts someone.

So anyway… Saturday morning, Jass walked down to get the mail, but none of us felt like doing anything. So when mail came that afternoon… it sat there until Mom went to give our statement to our landlords.

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but I’m still me

Thursday, May 26th, 2005

I’m a liar.

I’m a bald-faced liar.

I keep saying that my diabetes doesn’t bother me. Well, I’m a liar: my diabetes does bother me. But it’s not the way everyone thinks.

It’s how everyone around me behaves. Sometimes it feels like discrimination — the way people act around me — and sometimes it feels like they’re stifling me. I lost my last job because of diabetes. I couldn’t enjoy my day at the beach because either I was preparing for a meal or my friends in the kite club wanted to talk to me. Or rather, talk about my diabetes.

Thing is, every one of them had something to say and not a single one knew what they were talking about. I thought Type 2 was the unknown disease, but instead that’s what everyone knows. There were even a few former friends who were looking at me the entire time like I’d grown a second head.

I’m not sure what hurt worse, what everyone assumed, or the fact some of them were avoiding me. I wish mom hadn’t told them… I really do. I understand why she tells everyone, but does she have to tell everyone!? That especially goes for members from my dad’s side of the family. They’ve basically disowned me, so why the hell is it their business??

Wasn’t telling Maryann enough? She used to be our neighbor back when we were growing up. Mom told her. Big fricking mistake. That woman is a walking encyclopedia of diabetes myths and she’s subscribed to them all. She was loopy when we were kids, but she’s worse now. And she still has this inane need to lecture.

I’m almost glad I don’t get to see Poppa and Caroline much anymore. Back when I was diagnosed, the weight fell off me until I practically looked anorexic. Caroline was excited and pleased by how skinny I was. She didn’t seem to care about how sick I was or how awful I felt or how close I came to ending up being admitted to the hospitol. And she’s kept up the comments. I don’t understand why Poppa won’t speak up… he raised my Aunt Karla, who was diagnosed as a type 1 when she was 12. He knows diabetes.

I reached out because I wanted to have a social life, but instead I feel more alone now than ever. I had my diabetes under tight control, but now I’m subconsciously sabotaging myself. Hell, I even forgot to take my final dose of insulin last night!

Whatever happens, I have to get back in control. Pure and simple. I guess I have to go back to thinking like I did back when I was diagnosed: this disease is a friend test. And I just found how a lot about my former friends.

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Sonafabitch!!!

Friday, May 6th, 2005

Had a friend come up this evening… the same one I wrote about months ago, whose also taking computer repair classes. Since some of the people reading this might know him, I’ll call him Neil for the sake of his privacy.

I used to be best friends with Neil – or at least I thought I was. Now he’s coming across more a more like a jerk. At first I thought it was me. Back in High School, I was a brainy, know-it-all geek. Maybe I’m just mad because he’s almost done with college or that it was my pride being wounded. Maybe it’s still just me, maybe I’m just imagining things… but he seems to have this whole “you suck” vibe going on since he knows more than me. (Gee, wiz – idiot…. you graduate in a month.) I dunno, maybe he feels like he has to get revenge on me for being a know-it-all.

Anyway – while he he pointed me to this Spyware cleaner, complaining that my computer was “too slow.” So I ran it. Just as he told me to. Took care of some Trojans and Adware that were on, no biggie. I thanked Neil (sincerely) and got on with life. Later, I tried to log onto my ancient version of CuteFTP. And guess what? It got nuked. Absolutely nuked. All for the want of one blasted advert library. And what’s more, the way he told me to use the program left me with no way to recover the lost file.

I don’t think I’ve ever done this before in my life, but I screeched “Sonafabitch” at the top of my lungs. Then I began bawling.

Mom was annoyed, thought I was being stupid. Jass’ reaction was just for me to download a new one. *sighs*

But it was such a NICE program. It was simple, easy to use, the interface was very intuitive, and I could adjust the fonts as I saw fit. The only drawback was a small ad at the top, which had poofed ages ago.

So, I’ve just spent the last few hours trying to find a new one that’s free, has a simple, intuitive interface, and DOESN’T display everything in size 7 font. (Pixel-induced migraines suck.) You can probably guess how that went.

The only one that has an interface like I like is $35 unless I can somehow come up with the money (not likely) OR can find a pirated version of it somewhere. Yes, it’s CuteFTP 7.0.

I just found a beta version of CuteFTP, which also simply uses adverts… but I’m so leery. It’s coming from a Geocities site, of all places. But damnit, I’ve almost filled up my hard drive with freeware FTP programs that I absolutely loathe.

Here’s hoping.

And it works. ^__^; Warning of adverts, yeah yeah… already know. And I’m good to go.

To be honest, I’ve had a crush on him [Neil] since I was 14 or so. Seriously. I even confided in my cousin Brandon back when I was 16 that I was. He had this peer counselor thing going on through the school, so I went out on a limb and told him. Brandon told me to go for it, but I was too shy to do so. I went away to Mt. Pleasant for college and then moved to Ionia, but I still kept thinking about him.

Now… I really don’t know. I try to talk to him about things we commonly like… computers for one thing, school since we’re both in it and it’s like trying to make water flow uphill. I get a lot of generalizations about school and then what feels like an almost superior attitude about computers.

Is it wrong to feel so… so resentful of him? I’ve known him – been close friends with him – since Kindergarten. I’ve had a crush on him for eleven years. I’ve missed him so gawd-awful-much for at least seven. Now I suddenly almost can’t stand to be around him.

*sighs* I don’t know anymore. I really don’t.

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