Posts Tagged ‘Life’

Second Thoughts

Wednesday, December 2nd, 2009

We’re starting to have second thoughts about going down to Richmond. Granted, we got almost no sleep last night, so this might just be exhaustion talking.

Trying to find safe, affordable, pet-friendly hotels is proving difficult and we’re realizing this isn’t going to save us as much money as we thought.

This morning, Mom actually suggested that we see if we can rent a room from Neil and his brothers. No offense Mom, but last time Neil and his brothers came over, I found them downright creepy. I know I used to be good friends with them, but that was 12 years ago.

I suggested that we just move outright, get me and the girls down there and then immediately return for our things. At this point, I could be convinced to part with everything but the essentials.

Truth be told, we’re scared. Very scared.

I started looking at Section 8 housing in the Grand Rapids, MI area, but a lot of them only allow dogs up to 25 – 35 lbs.

I know the “hows” always present themselves, but I’m starting to feel like I’m caught between a rock and a hard place. I just wish someone would tell me what to do.

Single; Not Available

Tuesday, October 6th, 2009

Five days ago, I posted a private entry of the same name on my Livejournal so now I think its time to post this publicly and put this to rest.

I am a single woman; that does not mean I am available.

No, I am not available to be your Fuck Stop.

No, I am not available for your Mid-life Crisis.

No, this is not a challenge for you to get with me.

No, this is not a challenge for you to set me up.

No, I am not playing hard to get.

No, I am not some angry bitch queen.

No, I do not need to be “fixed” or “repaired.”

No, my vagina does not have an “open for business” sign on it.

I shouldn’t have to explain that I’m quite content being single and why I have never married. I was complete the day I was born, I don’t need a penis between my legs to be complete. I will not be measured by the male I am able to attract. I am more than my sex.

So stop. Just stop.

This is a lifestyle choice. My choice. I would rather be happy and single than with a man and miserable.

I really don’t have the right personality for being someone’s little wife. I am so much more fulfilled by the friends I make than any man I have ever been with.

Guys get their little Male-PMS thing going and all I want is to thrash them with a rolled up newspaper. I won’t stay quiet and let them take it out on me. I’m more likely to pelt them with eggs than walk on egg-shells. I’m more likely to walk out and let him stew in an empty house for the night. I’m more likely to divorce him and be done with it.

I’ve heard that verbal and emotional abuse after marriage is so common that some marriage counselors are telling their patients its normal. That is utter bull. But yet… I have heard woman after woman tell me that she got so she could tell by the way her husband drove, walked, or whatever coming up the street to their home what kind of an evening they were going to have. He seethes with an inexplicable and generic rage. And since he’d get his ass kicked if he did it in public… he’s about to take it out on his family. And she’s having to run interference to protect the kids from the wrath of his man-tantrum.

It’s a sad and darkly funny commentary in a way. We women will share stories and information regarding our families and our own health… right now to the color, volume, and consistency of the bodily fluids involved. But do we compare notes and kick his ass like he really needs? No. Most women stay quiet, try to ignore it, and hope it gets better. All the while feeling torn. They love him deeply but resent – just as deeply – the way they are being treated. Only when they feel like they’re going to explode do they come to a close friend to let it out. But should he be confronted he either minimizes it or acts remorseful just long enough…

I’m choosing to say no. I don’t want to deal with it. My heart and my ears are still open to my friends. But I’m not interested in bringing it into my own life.

Whew. Now that I have that off my chest. It’s not easy convincing people of my choice either.

I’ve had people come right out and demand to know if I’m a lesbian because somehow I’m nearly 30 and not married and haven’t squeezed out a few kids. I guess there’s some unwritten rule that women should get married, have 2.5 kids, and perform wifely duties or else there’s something wrong with them. I’ve literally had people damn near spittle-shrieking over my decision.

It’s crazy, but so many people find it inconceivable that I could think this way.

So, here comes the endless parade of people trying to set me up.

Here’s the wolves sniffing my crotch and howling at my door. It gets so old so fast when somehow me being nice, friendly, and approachable equates to “ZOMG HAVE SEX WITH ME!”

It’s like “Me Male, you Female! We’re compatible!” They put far more effort into learning about who is servicing their car than the cunny they’re looking to plunder.

No one has actually ever come out and asked what I want.

In the end, it boils down to me making a lifestyle choice. This is my official announcement that I have made it.

Michigan Could Reach 20% Unemployment

Thursday, May 14th, 2009

They had this interview with David Littman on the news yesterday and lets just say I’m more convinced than ever that relocating is probably the best idea at this point.  (Warning, this video is fairly long.)

The Economic Impact of the Auto Crisis on Michigan from Mackinac Center on Vimeo.

In a nutshell, Michigan unemployment could reach 20% by the end of the year.  Mr. Littman also touches on some of the policies he thinks contributed to Michigan’s failing economy.

All-in-all, it’s very frightening.

I’ve had the opinion for a while that Michigan has been mismanaged for decades; certain government policy sounds more like it came out of the 1970s.

A good chunk of our manufacturing supports or supported the automotive industry.  I remember some classmates back in High School saying they were skipping college because their parents could get them into their workplace… usually a factory supporting the automotive industry.  Back a few months ago (before the bailouts and talk of Chapter 11), one local commercial for GM trucks depicted romanticized views of people working on a farm with the tagline “There’s nothing like a classic.”

Why in the world has Michigan been allowed to remain stagnant?  We’ve been allowed to be nothing but manufacturing.  Many Michigan towns and cities only have one major employer, with larger ones having maybe 2 or 3.  Didn’t they ever ask what would happen if something happened to that employer?

Some of these employers paid ridiculous amounts of money for overly simple jobs.  But yet over and over, I see people who were completely unprepared for when they couldn’t be paid that much.

Few went to college with their money and if they did, they went for degrees with very little demand or chose a popular one that now has left the market for that degree saturated.  (Really, how many daycares and preschools does a town of 7000 need?)

Yeah, I need to move.  *hops off her soapbox*

Stop Psychoanalyzing Me!

Sunday, May 10th, 2009

I seem to invite people to psychoanalyze me. The simplest things I say or do seem to indicate some deep psychological thing ™ I’m apparently not aware of or am deluding myself over.

I can’t figure out why the heck people keep doing this to me. It’s so annoying. For example:

  • “Oh, I enjoy Japanese Animation — Anime.” Two types of analysis comes from this: A.) I am some poor idiot who was ill-prepared for adulthood and thus cling to my cartoons like a life-preserver. B.) I’m some kind of repressed nymphomaniac who gets off on animated porn. (It all depends on whether they think anime is all kid’s stuff or all porn.)

  • “I play World of Warcraft.” Psychoanalysis: I’m a raging video game addict. Apparently I’m at high risk for skipping work to play the game or even trying to play it while I’m at work. Even worse is when someone drops by unannounced, catch me playing, and a simple “Yes” to “Playing World of Warcraft?” and it somehow implicates me for a raging addiction.
  • “I have allergies to most soaps, so I don’t do the dishes.” Psychoanalysis: I’m lazy.

    Explanation: I get allergic contact dermatitis from most liquid soaps if I have to be in contact with them for longer than it takes to wash my hands. I get similar reactions to certain brands of triple antibiotic ointment and certain molds found on Oak leaves. Several skin reactions have had to be treated with rather unpleasant injections.

How exactly am I supposed to respond to this sort of thing? Seriously. Most of the time any effort made to refute, defend, or absorb/deflect winds up somehow further proving their analysis. Even silence or walking away seems to support their stance. They’re either Dr. Phil or they think any possible reaction I give is completely uproarious. Even a facepalm or rolled eyes.

Unfortunately, I’ve even developed the habit of attempting to “pre-defend” myself… which makes it even worse. That is, I try to explain my reasoning when I present the issue at hand. (Especially on message boards.)

A good, recent example of that: I posted on Monster.com, asking for advice on whether mentioning I play World of Warcraft on my blogs and Facebook could actually hurt my chances for hiring. For some stupid reason, I felt I had to pre-defend myself. I got my answer from one of their career coaches and I’m satisfied, but now it’s attracted someone who’s doing the psychoanalysis thing again. (e.g. “ZOMG! Because you said the game isn’t a problem and you have a full social life you’re a raging addict!”) *facepalm*

While I know I shouldn’t care about what they say (I have no intention of even bothering to reply to the bozo on Monster.com)… for once! Just for once! I’d like to do something novel and have what I say taken at face value. Just for once.

Pretty please?

Contemplating the Next Steps

Wednesday, January 7th, 2009

Still unemployed, still looking. I’m down to this feeling of malaise that sometimes borders on a panic attack… mainly from thinking about the bills.

When I’m not thinking about bills, I’m finding myself doing a lot of thinking about what I need to do next.

World of Warcraft makes it a little easier to put the thoughts out of my mind for a few hours, but it’s slowly getting so nothing can truly make me stop thinking about it. It’s completely impossible to even feel like playing with my site, even though it needs it. There’s just too much quiet time, I guess.

I’ve been working so hard and for what? Nothing so far. *sigh* I have all those student loans and no job and no prospects to show for it. I admit… I’m more than a little burnt out. For the past 10 years, each and every month has been a battle. And I’m tired.

I’m a computer programming and web design student. I enjoy both the code and the graphics, which is why I’ve chosen Web Design and Development. (Though; frankly, if I can even be doing something with computers I’m reasonably happy.) The problem here in Michigan is that most job openings in what I want to do require a minimum of 3 years doing this sort of stuff in an actual business setting, plus a bachelor’s degree. There’s quite a lot of job titles like Senior Designer, Senior Programmer, Senior Analyst, Senior Developer… almost nothing for Entry Level or Junior.

The economic situation isn’t making living easy in any state but Michigan is creeping up to a 10% unemployment rate. Given the emphasis, even today, on the auto industry in this state I really am scared to think what might happen if one of the Detroit Three goes under. Almost all we hear about is the Auto Industry and Healthcare for area jobs. Do I stay in Michigan and attempt to find just any job? (And I know myself… I’ll quickly become frustrated since I’m not doing what I’ve been working towards.) Or, do I count my losses and move out of state?

I’m beginning to feel that I’ve been taken in by some great scam in regards to Baker College Online. I go to college to learn how to do things related to my chosen career. While I understand a lot of this is supposed to be the foundations so I can learn the different languages on my own, a lot of the courses seem to be a sampler. Beyond the samplers, I’m supposed to learn everything on my own. That’s thousands of dollars beyond college I just don’t have. Many instructors I’ve had aren’t really teaching, they’ve just been there to grade the papers (maybe).

I keep finding myself being presented with material that assumes you’re already in the field, not attempting to learn it. I voiced my concerns and found myself ridiculed by my classmates. However, that could also be my classmates attempting to fulfill the college’s “participation” requirement and criticism comes easily for many people. Back at Central Michigan University, I was able to attend class and many times I didn’t have to speak. I just handed my work in, passed the exams, life went on. So, do I continue with Baker College Online or do I go back to a physical campus? I already lost my financial aid because I couldn’t complete the internship, though I believe I still have an appeal left. Do I really want to fight for my financial aid when I’m not getting the support from the college in the first place?

I know I can’t stop going to college. That Bachelor’s degree is something I need in this world… and it will likely be manditory in the economic world after we get through this mess.

On the subject of relationships…. *sigh* Dating on the whole is just a stress I don’t need right now. A lot of guys want to look at only one facet of my personality and ignore the rest. My diabetes doesn’t help either. The first time I have a Low around them, their inner Knight in Shining Armor or Superman comes out wanting to save me when all I need is a regular soda and a bag of chips to stabilize my blood sugar levels. Then there’s the aggression towards other males or the suddenly fragile egos. It makes me want to whack them a few times with a rolled up newspaper.

Changing My Language

Tuesday, December 16th, 2008

I need to change my language about myself, my family, and my life. It’s just so easy, especially around the holidays to get caught up in the negative language my family tends to use.

Every year, it’s the same. Christmas gifts just happen to be one battleground.

Mom wants to get crafty for Christmas gifts, even though they’ve made it clear all other years we’ve made handmade gifts that they don’t appreciate it. Sheba used my mother’s handmade quilts to wrap furniture for moving and then threw them out, almost the whole family sneered when we gave gift baskets with hand-selected gourmet foods, handmade fudge and cookies thrown out, and several family members tried to give back handmade, beaded Christmas ornaments within minutes of us giving them to them. They’ve flippantly admitted to just throwing things out if they don’t want them or like them anymore. The only thing they seem to have kept is my framed, artistic photos I gave them back when I was 18, but I suspect it’s for the same reason people hoard National Geographic magazines rather than sentimental reasons. While it’s their right, I guess… it does hurt our feelings.

Jass and I are both urging her to reconsider and just get gift certificates. It just isn’t worth it giving them another opportunity to hurt us.

They want a definitive time frame for everything under the sun. Being out of work, they’re going to want a definitive time frame for when I’ll get a job. (Forget the economy here in Michigan and across the country.) Experience or lack of experience, competition, whatever — it’s irrelevant to them.

According to them, I’m brainless, worthless, useless with no applicable life skills. I’m a slacker, a child who refuses to grow up, and destined to a life of failure unless I live like they want me to. I’ve wasted all these years of college and have gone nowhere.

NO! No more!

I can’t continue letting that dialogue creep into my own thoughts. There’s nothing I can do about them, but I can do something about my own thoughts and actions. Every time I say that, think that, replay the last time they said that to me, I tear myself down. The fact is, I can never please them. I need to realize that and move on. Change my own language so it has less of an impact. Back when I was a teen, I actually had thoughts of harming myself — or worse — after one of their diatribes.

For whatever reason, they deemed my mother the black sheep of the family back when she was a child — the one who is at fault for anything and everything that happens in this family. Because we’re her children, we’re an extension of that. It’s time we change our language and stop being their scapegoat. This isn’t love, it’s the product of some really messed up people.

I can’t allow them to do this anymore.

I don’t want to say they don’t love us; we certainly love them — which is why this always hurts so much. However, there is no connection, no support, and no sense of belonging. What there is, is a cycle of verbal and emotional abuse. We have to stop it.

If that means moving or being excommunicated from the family, so be it.

Computer Parts & Job Fairs

Friday, October 10th, 2008

The bulk of the parts for my new computer came in today. *dances*

So far, I’m reading through the assorted manuals to make sure I have everything in order. You couldn’t get much more OEM the way the hard drive and optical drive came wrapped together in anti-static baggies and bubble wrap. Kind of wishing I’d gone retail for the hard drive so I had the manual and disks, but it’s a little late for that.

The video card… eh, the manual leaves a little to be desired. :-P The instructions are basically: “Remove your old card, put in new card. Restart system, let Windows recognize it, then install the included driver disk.”

Kind of thinking of skipping the job fair. :-/ According to the newspaper section dedicated to the job fair, there’s not much in the way of potential employers that are going to be there that I’ll be interested in. There’s assorted military recruiters, construction, manufacturing, health care, and then several staffing places. There’s only a few employers that I might be interested in and it almost doesn’t make sense to go for three or four specific places. (And I don’t even see them on the web site for the job fair now.)

Right now, mom’s talking really highly about going out and getting the new monitor and then going clothes shopping. I might do that and just go hit the staffing places either online or on my own.

Welcome to the real world

Saturday, August 5th, 2006

$24.68

That’s what we have to live on until next week Thursday.

Why is it everytime I feel like I can relax, the world comes crashing down again? I feel really guilty about taking the summer off now. I have the feeling I should have kept the pressure up through the summer, no matter how I felt.

The mortage is going to be very late; hopefully not to the point we default on it. Mom’s going to have to call monday and beg for forgiveness. I wasn’t expecting them to cash our lot rent check so fast; so fast we ended up with a $66 overdraft fee coming out of mom’s check.

I’m nearly out of test strips, but I can’t afford to buy any more. I spotted a worm in Luna’s poop, but we can’t do anything about it right now. “We can’t do anything about it” seems to be the key phrase.

*sigh* Welcome to the real world, I guess.

My summer so far

Wednesday, July 12th, 2006

So far, my summer seems to be going well. I’m partipating in the eFiction Project actively for the first time in a long while, though probably not as much as I could be. (Actually, I’m probably being downright annoying.)

One of the large sites must have pissed people off again, my site has had a massive surge in visits and new authors. I keep checking my stats, but I can’t tell what site is referring them. I’m actually very glad I brought in all those extra moderators. I’m used to the sudden hush the RL/AR used to get; all this activity is a tab unnerving. ^^;

eFiction 3.0 is going to be very very cool, but I’m dreading switching us over. I’ve added so many extras there is going no easy way to upgrade. ^^;; But… ooh, it is awesome. There’s just so many new things in this release, it’s just going to be pure awesomeness. (Is that even a word??)

My Kiwi layout has hit a bump, since I don’t remember what I wanted to do with it anymore. I can’t find my original design sketch either, so I can check my plan. XD I might just trash it and work on Green tea instead.

While I’m thinking about it, I need up re-do my blog. I’ve begun posting my eFiction junk to it, which is kind of cluttering it. I also want it to have a more professional look, since I’m going to put a portfolio and my resume on it. (I probably should clean up the language too *grimace, laugh*)

For the first time in years, we have a garden. It’s nothing special, just some tomatos, strawberries, and some flowering plants that I’ve planted in pots so if I need to move again they can come with me.

Local news has me feeling a little more optimistic:

Google to bring 1000 jobs to Michigan

LANSING — High tech – and high-tech jobs — hits Michigan with Tuesday’s announcement that Google will open a facility in Ann Arbor.

At a morning press conference, Governor Granholm officially unveiled the project that will add 1,000 jobs to Michigan’s workforce.

The new facility involves Google’s AdWords unit, which handles “pay-per-click” advertising to Google’s users. To sweeten the deal, the Michigan Economic Development Corporation gave Google a high-tech business tax credit worth more than $38 million over 20 years. (more…)

I sincerely don’t want to move to Ann Arbor, that’s way too close to one of my mom’s aunts… who is just way too much like Sheba for my tastes. BUT if it means I can get a good job doing what I enjoy doing, then by the Gods of warfare — I’ll do it! (What Karla doesn’t know won’t hurt her me.)

Other than that, we’re holding on. Mom blew a tire last night on her way to work and had to get a ride from our neighbor, but it wasn’t as bad as it could have been. The local tire shop quoted her about $80 for a new tire plus installation, but then the owner decuded ti only charge her $50. ^___^

DTE Energy keeps calling, demanding their money. Maryann still wants her $600 back, plus we keep getting letters from collection agencies for some of the bills we incured trying to get out of Alpine Medows… so we’re not out of the woods yet. The pressure has just been let up a bit.

I’m trying to work with a lady who bought one of my books off from Amazon.com. There were 4 audio chapter review CDs that came with the book and I said they were included in my post. I remember putting them in the envelope with the book and so does mom and Jasson, but apparently the CDs didn’t make it there. The envelope was apparently intact, so they didn’t fall out. *sighs* Being good, I retraced my steps to see if I lost them on the way to the post office. Nothing in lost and found. I called the publisher and distribution center to see if could buy new copies, they’re only part of a bundle deal.

I’m more than a little dubious about the whole thing. First of all, she waited a month to e-mail me and is now taking anywhere from 5 days to weeks to write me back each time. She says she absolutely has to have those CDs for her class. I’ll admit that they were helpful in allowing me to study during the eviction and while moving, but they weren’t that helpful nor essential. I have no idea what’s going on. I finally offered her a refund and it’s going on about two weeks since I last heard from her.

Mom has come right out and wondered if she isn’t trying to weasel copies of the CDs out of me so she can have two. She’s also wondered if they CDs aren’t/weren’t in the bottom of the envelope. *shrugs* Her guess is as good as mine.

I swear, if I sell anything else on Amazon — they only thing I’m writing is the book’s condition. No information on infotrac or anything extra that comes with it. And then I’m going to mummify the damned thing so nothing falls out.

Anyroad, that’s my summer so far. Much love to everyone.